 |
| On reflection, maybe my choice of bike is not helping. |
‘The harder I practice – the luckier I get’
Gary Player
Ever wondered how you get a golf grip on a golf club? I
suspect not. You use double sided super-sticky tape and wrap it round the
shaft. But then getting the grip over the tape poses some challenges*. When I
was a kid my dad cut me down a set of old golf clubs for me to use. When I say
old I mean old. Not the cutting edge of golfing technology for me. My golf bag
contained a Baffing Spoon, a Mashie, a Niblick, a Mashie Niblick, an Auchterlonies 5 Iron (my
pride and joy - since it was not pre loved), an 8 iron and a putter. It was
only much later on that I discovered that a Mashie was in fact a 5 iron. I
haven’t a clue where my dad got the clubs from, with names like those they must
have originally been my Grandfathers. Not only were they old but they were not
top of the line in their day either. The shafts were made of steel, but had a
plastic coating on them to make them look like they were made of hickory!
Cutting them down wasn’t an issue for my Dad, but putting grips on them
presented some challenges. He couldn’t figure out the conundrum of getting the
grip over the sticky tape. However, never one to let a problem go unsolved he
came up with the only solution he could think of. He put a slit along the
length of the grip and then bound the grip with electrical insulating tape.
Somewhat defeating the purpose of a ‘grip’ in the process. It did a job, just
not a very good one.
It was an imperfect solution, admittedly, but allowed me and
my brother to get out on the course and have a thrash around. More importantly,
however, I suspect it allowed my Dad to combine child care with a game of golf.
I love golf. However, I am last in a long line of Kemps
whose enthusiasm for the game is
matched only by their lack of ability. I am truly awful. A distinct handicap
when you are born and brought up in St Andrews.
Not only was I rubbish at golf, but being a younger brother
I grew up being by far the most rubbish in the whole family, a status that did
not change until I was into my 20s. I am, however, intensely competitive which
is not a good combination. Admittedly, I was not helped by my tools. Electrical
insulating tape does not offer the best of grip, and, on a wet day it was not
uncommon for my club to end up further down the fairway than my ball. Having to
shout ‘Fore’ for a flying golf club rather than ball caused a no shortage of
consternation amongst the St Andrews golfing cognoscenti.
It wasn’t much better in the dry. The electrical tape was
want to peel off leaving a sticky residue and the slit in the rubber grip left
the original ultra sticky double sided grip tape exposed. Golf is a frustrating
game, particularly for a young tyro. Even the most mild mannered, god fearing
of men has been known to throw down his clubs in frustration. However,
the combination of insulating tape and exposed grip tape can make putting down
a golf club more challenging that it should be. After carving another ball into
the jungle and in tearful rage it was not unknown for me to deliberately try
and loose my Niblick in the nearest gorse bush. However the adhesive qualities
of the grip meant that the clubs would remain stubbornly attached to my person.
To not even be capable of throwing your clubs away was the final ignominy.
I often came back from a round of golf having been soundly
beaten by dad and my brother in what can charitably be described as an ‘ill
humour’. I would sit down at the dinner table in a stew and announce the
assembled company that I was retiring from golf forthwith and there was no use
trying to persuade me otherwise as my mind had been made up. I expected that my
own kin would at least show some compassion for a young sportsman in obvious
turmoil and perhaps even acknowledge that it would be a sad loss for the sport
in general, but no platitudes were ever forthcoming. They just nodded and
seemed to accept this earth shattering news with surprising equanimity.
I was lying on my back in the middle of the road in the
pissing rain this morning, looking up at my bike, wondering how I had got into
that unfortunate position, when only seconds earlier I had been hurtling along
the road at breakneck speed, with my bike firmly below me. It didn’t take me
long to realise that I had somehow contrived to crash (again). 12 minutes
earlier I had been on the start line of the Straiton Struggle road race, with
expectations of a good showing and high hopes of a top 10 finish, given the
course was one that suited me. 10 minutes into the race I had hit a pothole
(again) and punctured (again). 2 minutes later I was lying in the gutter having
pushed a little too hard to try and get back to the bunch. My day effectively
over, barely 12 minutes after it had begun. After I had untangled myself from
my bike and started back into the race, I was reminded of my numerous retirements
from golf. I was sorely tempted follow Chris Hoys example and rule myself out
of selection from the Commonwealth games. Indeed had there been a press car
following I might well have made the announcement there and then. However, a solo 50 mile cycle in the
pouring rain gives a man much time to cool down and think. By the time I had
limped home I had reconsidered my position.
Lady luck has not been with me so far this season. And I’m
sorry Gary, with over 200 hours and 5,500km logged this year its not as if
there has been a lack of practice.
This year I have competed in the following races.
- SWSCP Season Opener – Incorrect placing (6th Place finish)
- Lake APR – Crash (22nd place)
- Amstel Road race – Puncture (2nd last finish)
- Gifford road race – no incident (8th Place)
- Jim Daly APR – Buckled wheel (9th place)
- Ingleston Criterium – Tangled with a back marker (20th ish finish)
- Straiton Struggle – Puncture and a crash (finish tbc, but I wont be bothering the podium)
There have certainly been no lack of incidents, however I am
getting sick of ruing my luck, but there is not much that you can do about
getting punctures. I had hoped to get promotion to Cat 3 before I head away to
France, however that is looking frustratingly unlikely now, given my calendar
between now and then.
I have a Criterium on Tuesday and am heading up to Forfar on
Sunday for an Audax ‘race’. No points on offer there, but the chance to catch
up with my folks and maybe squeeze in a round of golf. Keep an eye on the
press- I may well be announcing another retirement on Monday.
From Glasgow
N
*oh, just incase you ever have to apply an emergency golf
grip… Once you have applied the double sided sticky tape, you smear petrol on
the exposed side. This is a solvent for the glue, and the grip will slide on
easily. You leave in a well-ventilated place for a couple of hours, the petrol
will evaporate, allowing the glue to adhere to the grip.
My Dad figured that out 6 months before I had enough money
to saved to buy a proper set of golf clubs. Co-incidence?
Alas it wasn’t the clubs
that made me crap.
No comments:
Post a Comment